I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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