Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
