you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
my poor anus
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
