I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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