i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
