Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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