thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize