I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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