I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
