happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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