Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
