We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
