A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
