im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
