I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
