he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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