I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize