I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
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