I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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