There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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