I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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