I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
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