my phone needs a breathalizer
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
