I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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