i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
