Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
