Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
