did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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