Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
