You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
