I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I look better un-naked...
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize