textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
