if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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