I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
