Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize