I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
