Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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