If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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