my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
