my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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