Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
