im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
How does one acquire holy water?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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