Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
It's never too late to be topless.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
