I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
