meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
