Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You ruined the universe
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
