The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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