That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
