Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
