i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Pooping to opera.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
