You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
