I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Randomize
