A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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