Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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