i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I have post one night stand depression
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize