As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
