She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
