worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
