So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
