Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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