I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
