Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
