My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
