My cat gives me a boner
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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